Buddha works at the New Balance Outlet

The perfectionist inside of me is screaming out "why am I not pleasing everyone?" My inner yogi is in lotus pose chanting ohmmmmmmmm and saying "I am enough." Who do I listen to? Do I listen to the fear and dread-that perhaps I am not the perfect friend, that I don't say the right thing, that I'm guarded, I look out for myself, I'm moody, I demand an unreasonable degree of loyalty, I'm sometimes less than punctual, and I blurt out my thoughts when my friends are in the middle of really important sentences?

Or do I reaffirm that I am loving, kind, loyal, patient, giving, generous with my spirit, and full of enough sunshine or piss and vinegar depending on the moment and on the friend to make everyone feel like I have their back?

Sometimes it's easier to give in to the doubt and negative talk like I'm in quick sand and I might as well just go with the sinking...rather than struggling to grasp on to anything solid that might lift me up.

I've been running a lot. I'm training for a half marathon and it's SOON. I guess being nice to myself and giving myself credit for the good is kind of the same thing as training for a half. The first run is uncomfortable, cramps, doubt, physically and emotionally wrenching.

This slowly eases up over time. Sometimes I'm even excited to run (I can barely believe I just wrote that). And soon I'm totally in the moment. Feeling the cool air on my face...consumed by the purity of nature. I feel like I'm flying-soaring above my body soaking in the seemingly infinite expanse of glistening river.

When I'm practicing loving kindness towards myself I feel that same peace. Like I no longer have to struggle against this moment...hoping it passes quickly so I can be in the next one already. Like everything I do and say is perfection because it comes from my heart and my heart is pure.

Over the course of training I've absolutely fallen on my ass on slick steps and looked up, my body stinging, to see a stranger, puzzled as to how I could be so clumsy, and kept running. I've felt dehydrated, I've questioned myself, and I've left work in the middle of the day for an emergency PT appointment when I thought my soreness could be a stress fracture...only to realize I should probably trade in my 5 year old cross trainers for running shoes. Whoops.

That's the process sometimes. Full of falls and stinging moments. But it gets easier. Everything worth having is worth working for. Happiness is worth the practice, endurance, and heart ache that ensues on the journey. It makes the sweet sweeter.

I had such a mental block about running at first. I felt resentful that it meant giving up time in the yoga studio-a place where I have found space to develop spiritually. But there's always a lesson. Today's? We aren't human beings having spiritual experiences...we are spiritual beings having human experiences. They are always there for us to integrate and grow from...more importantly they help us heal. Life means being cracked wide open...being raw...and rebuilding...again and again and again...like my feet hitting the pavement. Sometimes you luck out and someone gives you a tip-there are shoes that will soften the blow...I'm meditating on my gratitude for the tips. For each run...the ugly ones...and the ones where I soar. Giving thanks for all of the people I have the privilege of calling my friends...whether or not I'm "getting a 4.0 in friendship."

Maybe now that I've unburdened these thoughts I'll sleep peacefully. Maybe they'll even help somebody.